Depression is my Nemesis
Depression.
de·pres·sion
Noun: Severe despondency and dejection, accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.
I’ve dealt with depression for most of my life. I’ve often considered writing about it, but always refrained for a number of reasons – embarrassment, shame and privacy. I’m over that now. I’ve come to understand depression in a new way. It doesn’t just affect me (and boy does it), but it causes immense pain to millions. I’ve come to recognize depression in others whether they’ve explicitly told me or not. I’m not ashamed of it anymore.
My friend Casey Mullins, wrote about it almost two years ago – Giving Depression a Voice. My friend Despi told me about the post and I immediately read it, a lot. I was so thankful someone I knew was writing about it. I thought it was so courageous. I could never do such a thing. Well a lot’s changed.
Losing my Father has affected everything about my life. And it’s introduced a new type of depression. I didn’t know it could become lonelier, darker, deeper and so eerily quiet. It’s become a nemesis of impressive magnitude.
Nemesis.
nem·e·sis
Noun: The inescapable or implacable agent of someone’s or something’s downfall.
Last week, I learned that Gary Speed had died at age 42. I watched him for years playing in the English Premier League. When media reported he had hung himself, it hit hard. I couldn’t comprehend that amount of suffering. But depression does that, it makes people feel incredible pain. What a horrible disease.
I’m not writing this because I’m considering suicide. I’m writing this so you’ll perhaps understand what it’s like to live with depression. When you live with it, you get really good at hiding it. Up until this, only a handful of people knew I had it – although I’m sure I’ve given plenty of clues.
Sometimes it’s hard to get out of bed
Sometimes it’s hard to pick up the phone
Sometimes it’s hard to leave the house
Sometimes it’s hard to do my job
Sometimes it’s hard to think positively
Sometimes it’s impossible to be a good friend, brother, son, husband or father
And most often, despite being surround by love and family and friends and success and great food and laughter and beauty – you feel completely alone, defeated and in pain. It hurts just to write this. And I know it hurts the one’s around me. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Moosh wrote in her post -
Mental illness is not a choice. Nor is it a cop out, curable or something that one can merely “get over” like a pulled hamstring.
Consider loved one’s in your life that deal with depression, lingering sadness, melancholy, or paralyzing bouts of darkness. No matter what they say, they need you.
Depression doesn’t go away. Therapy and medicine may help but it never evaporates. And let me tell you, no matter how much alcohol or drugs or other vices you feed it, it’s never sated. It comes back for seconds.
I have no interest in hiding my depression anymore. I’m not ashamed by it. I’m not embarrassed. And it’s not my fault.
My sister always texts me – “It’s not your fault.” from Good Will Hunting. It makes us both laugh. But it’s really not my fault.
I’ll be 40 next year and I’m finally realizing that the depression isn’t going anywhere. A part of me had always hoped I’d wake up one day and it would be gone. Diseases typically don’t do that. It’s here to stay.
This quote from Douglas Coupland says it all -
Depression is when you have lots of love, but no one’s taking.
I’m writing this for me. And if you’re depressed, for you too.
And if you’ve supported me, suspecting I was suffering, it’s for you too.
That’s my story. Thank you for reading.
Your writing is beautiful and true. Thank you for what you speak so others may hear. I send you blessings. AW Tozer once said “Sometimes when we get overwhelmed we forget hor BIG God is.” May you find a very BIG God on your journey. Know people care.
Hiya Daniel,
Two notes (maybe you’ve seen these before?):
1) Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.
2) Every day is day one. (one of my favorite bloggers, Patti Digh, wrote this and it’s a mantra I use sometimes).
Hang in there and know you are loved.
You can get through this. I have seen it happen
You are going to get through this, Daniel. Don’t give up on the people you love, don’t give up on yourself. I won’t.
Dear Daniel,
What you wrote just hit home. I´ve been suffering from depression for seven years now. Finally my husband and friends decided to help me even against my wishes (I told them I was OK) and have been going to the doctor and therapy for a year. I understand perfectly well what you feel and say, I could have written it. Just let me tell you that you are not alone. There are a lot of people all around the world who understand and support you. Accept help, depression is a path that can be, and must be traveled by those who really love us. It is difficul, but let me tell you that you will feel better, there will be a day when you wake up feeling alive and ready to go out. When you will thank God for everything around you and when you will feel all that love that is around you. It is not easy but I can tell you that I am feeling great these days and that if you need someone to help you, you can count on me. I live in Mexico but you can count on my prayers, and to tell you the truth, they really help. God will never let you down.
Receive all my best wishes and never give up,
Maria
This journey is not easy, but you have lots of people with you on it.
I hope you have a great counselor, if not, the internet seems to be a good one too.
I wish you love, respite, and light in the darkness.
<3
Leslie
Daniel,
I was depressed to the extent I was hospitalised at the age of 19. It happened again around 5 years later, and again a few years after that. I have recently turned 40 myself.
The point of this is to let you know that I am still here, and I am probably feeling better than I ever have. In the intervening years I have learned, grown, as well as hitting incredible lows and even becoming suicidal. The support of friends and family have helped me get through, as well as medication, a greater understanding of myself and faith in God. Particularly my faith.
Everybody is different, everybody’s experience of depression is different and I guess everybody’s way out is different too. I think that the key ingredients to survival and overcoming it are huge doses of love. Love from others, love from something or someone greater than ourselves and – this is a key one – love and acceptance of yourself.
Hang in there, you will come through this. There are no guarantees that you will beat depression into submission this time, and win the war for good, but you can learn how to win each battle. To weaken the illness and find ways of keeping it under control. Condition management, they call it.
One final note. I have been a mental health support worker for a number of years and used my experience to help others. This is something I believe could happen for you, too. You appear to be a person of compassion and wisdom, perhaps there are people out there who will benefit from your insight too. Hold on, the light will come.
God bless.
The fact that you have accepted your suffering is the first step towards getting better. Having lost a parent at a young age I know how it can affect you especially if you were already depressed. I know it can be hard sometimes, but try to see that life is such a treasure. No words can change how you feel inside, but hopefully they bring comfort to you in your darkest hours. I wish you peace of mind in the coming weeks.
As someone else suffering from depression, thank you for writing this. I hope that you feel better this week. Stay strong!
Your words resonate through my mind just has a church bell on Sunday morning. Coming out of the shadows and into the light, while it’s no cure, has allowed me to speak more freely, to find others in the same darkness and begin my very long and very exhausting journey of survival. You’re in my thoughts. Thank you for stepping into the light, thank you for taking that wall down and thank you, despite your horrible pain, showing myself and others, we’re not alone, nor are you.
You are a beautiful human being. My soul reaches out to you because I have been there too. It does get better but it is hard. My thoughts and prayers are with you, now and always and you probably don’t feel it now, but we are all united.
Wow, I’ve been blown away by your writing and honesty. Thank you for being so frank about your depression, it’s the only way we will began to erode the stigma of mental illness. I hope your writing inspires others, as it has me, to open up to others about struggles. Daniel, I wish you all the best on your journey and will keep you in my prayers and follow you on your blog.
Angie
xxx
I wish that other people would get the fact that mental illness isn’t something that can just be ‘bam!’ gone, that you just have to work a bit to ‘get over it’. Man, I wish it were that easy. Though I’ve never been diagnosed, I have suspicions that I have OCD and Social Anxiety disorder.
You’re a very good writer. I know that you can get through this. You’re still in there, and I know that in you, you still have the strength to get out and live. I know that you can. I’ll be thinking of you!
I ended up in the world of depression after first having postpartum depression. It’s hell. Writing about it helped me immensely – hope the same is true for you.
Dan: As always, you are blazing trails, even with how you deal with your depression. Like you, I’ve suffered with depression for many years. I began to get help about eight years ago when my sister died of breast cancer. Several months before I could see her death coming and I new I no longer would be able to struggle to get through. Since then I’ve been treated both through medicine and therapy. There’s still good days and bad days, but the bad ones don’t knock me off my feet like they used to. I believe I’ve found a floor that is always there for me, that I can’t fall below. Now my challenge is to do a better job of taking care of myself so I can be a friend to myself, a good husband to my wife, a good father to my two daughters, and a good colleague and friend. Thank you for writing this, my friend. I’m so glad for the several things we share in common though I’m sorry that depression is also one we share. And I am so glad you wrote this. Stay in touch–RJ